Thoughts and Dreams

Im in the 94th percentile in reading comprehension.... gee who woulda guessed an avid reader and novelsized post RPer would do that.... =^-^=

we wont go into my math score. I know Im no good at math so I am focusing on being validated in my intelligence via the English placement test... Yay me... I needed something uplifting.

However, I am very very tired, I woke up at 6am after maybe 4 hours of sleep.

I think Ive finally lost the last of my marbles.

I applied to The Art Institute...

THE Art Institute... the one with 32 locations throughout North America http://artinstitutes.edu/

This school has been my Dream since I first learned about it in Junior year of HS when the lady from the Seattle school talked to me about getting in. And today I took the risk of applying. I already spoke to one of the Heads of the Graphic Design department in Pittsburgh. She gave me a recommendation after talking to me for like an hour and looking at my art site. Her boss is going to speak with me in the morning before I go to work. She was talking to me like Im already in... It all sits on my HS transcripts and my gpa which I dont remember but damn well better have been above a 2.0. We will find out tomorrow. I spent like 2 and a half hours talking to her total.

Im scared. Im excited. I keep forgetting to breathe.

...I have to go to work.

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (a few somebodies)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (except a couple series Im hooked on)	✓ I own lots of books.  (I lost count somewhere around 100)
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.  (not so much anymore but when I start playing one Im hooked)	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (how else do you discover you're allergic to it)
✓ I've watched porn movies.  (and will again)	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (uhm I dont Think I have)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (whenever possible... Lying just leads to fucking things up)
✓ I curse sometimes.  (no shit)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.  (I did once...)

( it goes on... )

I got 3 hours of sleep.

I spent the night in the emergency room for no reason at all because doctors are apparently inept and found nothing wrong with my aunts fiance.

And for that.... 3 hours of sleep.


So I spoiled myself today because I deserve it right now after all the shit I have been doing for the past 2 and a half weeks. I bought an mp3 player (not ipod thank the Gods), I bought paid more for the bigger one cause its silver but not much more, and PSP 9 since it was a damn good deal now that PSP X is out and the reviews on X led me to buy 9... what does That tell ya.

Back to the real world and all that shit I have to get done.

I worked a whole 4 hours... that was fun... coulda been worse I suppose.
I walked home. Surprisingly because I wanted to and I intend to keep doing it. It felt good and the air was cool enough because the sun was still in the process of setting. Depending on the day I will walk To work too... ok mostly depending on the hours they stick me with.

I really do feel good about not moving BtM, I felt better as soon as we decided to keep it with Warp1. I am so not ready for all the added stress to me that moving it to WRC would have caused because of other issues. I like WRC, its a decent site and Im gonna continue helping out a friend with his room there. But Warp1 is Beyond the Mists home and that isnt going to change any time soon. It just feels right to be there. And I have decided to be social so that will help a lot too.

Im just feeling better, all around better, today. Partly because I got to talk to Sis for a while this morning as well as RP with her yesterday before RL butted in. But thats how it works you know. The other part... Ive been keeping a lot to myself, afraid of hurting someones feelings because of my own but why should I be quiet about things that make me feel good for anyone? Thats what I have been doing and its been making me moody, depressed, and sick... so no more. If you want to be my friend accept me and my life and be happy for me when I am happy... and I will do the same for you... no matter who you are. Friendship is too precious.

So heres whats going on that I have kept to myself.

( Dont Read if you dont want to hear mushiness of my life )

Funnel clouds are tornadoes that havent touched the ground... this was stated by our local news anchor when talking about our local weather... Funnel clouds in Lane County... yea thats comforting. The thunder scared my sickness fogged mind badly enough this afternoon before work.

on that note:

I have Bronchitis... yay me

I went to work today and will tomorrow because even being horridly sick and wishing I could take my respiratory system out and stick it in a steaming shower for a few hours to cleanse it I have to work because I cant take time off. So I settled for a short hot shower and scalding hot tea and went to work.

ooh ooh new icons cause Made by aehallh rocks wit teh icons.

Went out last night. I love the burlesque show at John Henry's its different and entertaining every time. Didnt get as drunk as last time, couldnt afford to, but I had fun. Much quieter crowd too which was dissapointing, even to the host. Got to watch a killer light show when one of the hosts did a lightsaber battle thingy in the dark so all you could see were the red and blue "blades". He also does this thing on the bare with machetes, its awesome.

I think my cat is in my moms closet killing hangers, I can hear her on the other side of the wall. Not sure which cat tho but likely the stupid one.

A note to Dani. I slept alright but Im still tired so I know it wasnt as restful as it could have been and nowhere near as restful as Saturday night. So yes, there is a difference.

Oh I love learning new things. So yes I started talking to Dani again and its great. We were both in a horrible horrible space when we got into that nasty fight and we understand it. So yay, Im glad to be talking to him again. I missed him, he missed me, we are good as friends we just lost track of that before.

Thats not the reason for the giggling. No, that is from being told I was accused (behind my back as always) of following and spying via communities. That made me laugh my ass off. Apparently I joined communities just to spy recently. *Snicker* I have not joined any communities since early January and most were joined in early December depending on which one. You know the difference? I added them to my Friends Lists because I wasnt keeping up on them otherwise.

Ooh Im a spy wooooo *gigglefits*

naked women are good... Holy Hell were they fucking hot... Especially Katie when she bashed the tvs with the axe at the end to the beat of Living Dead Girl... Fuck Katie was just hot all around.

I drank, Im buzzed... I was drunk earlier but we sobered up a wee bit, not much but enough that I can see typos when I make them and kinda sit here and focus. Rum and Coke is my friend but not so much for my empty stomach. All I ate today was a slice of pizza and while that satisfied my hunger it made me a cheap drunk.

Lisas cousin is a WoW head and so is a friend of hers that was there... we WoWgeeked for a bit between sets. I fuckin love John Henries.

So while Neighbors may be closed now... the bastards... that doesnt stop us from wanting to go out.

I forgot the name of the club... yea thats sad, but I remembered where it is at least. Im not driving so I dont care as long as we get there. Me, Lisa and Vanessa are goin with one of Lisa's friends from Portland after all 3 of us are off work, Vanessa is last on that one so Im gonna hang out at work to keep her company. Should be fun, strippers ooh baby... Doubt they will be stripping, likely just dancing for fun. People go there to sing, dance, do fire twirling... Holy Shit is that ever awesome, they do it at the Saturday Market sometimes too. Either way, Im drinking and glad I have Monday off.

I got paid, I bought more stuff for Poser, a new skirt that Im gonna wear tomorrow night, and umm thats about it actually. Another 100 in savings and I still have plenty to spend.

Vanessa was singing "Donkey Riding" today, out of tune but still... it was funny, she learned it in High School from a friend who knew who Great Big Sea was... Im just amazed someone out here had a clue about them at all... But shes from New York, much closer to the Newfies then we are. Mmmm Newfie accents...

"What do you get when you put a vampire in a blender?" -my Mom

It snowed. It is going to snow more... Its February and its snowing for the first time in the winter season. Took it long enough but it still snowed.

I got the books faolchu_scatha offered. Yay... She rocks.

I know, I said no more replies but wow, attacking my relationship with my Daughter was a bit far.

Interpretations are always going to be different, people will read things and take what others say as they see them, whether they are right about how words were said or not. Does anyone stop to ask? Of course not, they just go about their own little wrong assumptions and live their lives with whatever that does for them. Cant be helped really. People who dont stop to ask really are losing out on the benefit of knowing the Real meaning, the Truth in words. But whatever because for those who do ask the ones who dont look like asses. Until the question is asked the only thing one has to go by is speculation and assumption which is never good in the end.

the "Real Women" statement was Not a slam on my ex even if he took it that way altho, I dont see why he would, unless he wants to tell a whole lot of strangers... I however, respected his choice even when Fighting and did not attack his personal belief or choice. The statement was warding off the possibility of being accused of only liking women who act like or want to be men (aka FtM Trans) which I have no problem with but wont date because I see them as Men because that is what they are on the Inside isnt it which is what matters and I tend to try to respect that in people. The sad part is that question and point would have and has been asked of me once already by people who thought they knew me better then they did, thus the need to state it. Of course the question was geared more towards if I "prefer Butches cause they act like guys". That was an interesting little arguement in itself.

Further, the first statement to be considered an "Attack" was his when he told me I could "Cyber with Hitler" for all he cared which came out of nowhere and was ment to be cruel in the middle of an arguement that had nothing to do with Cybersex. It was actually a quite childish comment that turned an arguement into little more then pointless bashing on his behalf.

I cant help it if he always takes my words as personal attacks, thats his problem, but maybe he should try Not assuming everything is about him especially since the statement containing the "Real Women" comment was not directed At him. Same Post, different direction as was pointed out in the statement itself which was directed at "everyone" as in people who read my LJ in general, not one specific person.

Sometimes people make me giggle.

Dredging up past complaints and ignoring half the facts about them after stating the past would remain The Past... That amuses me....

Ignoring half of what I say and do and only attacking the other half, that amuses me...

Forcing me to uphold rules we Have Not Put In Writing for people to know about, that amuses me... Wanting to make a Rule about Font Color in RP posts because you find it annoying, that amuses me. Yes its irritating to see 4 billion fonts but so what? IF someone likes doing it Yay for them... Btw he stopped

I do Not want to get back with my ex, I havent for a while now but apparently wanting to be friends means I want to be together... That really makes me giggle since he said we could be friends... hmm

Frankly I dont give a flying Fuck what caused the outbursts to finally come to a huge blow up with me because Ive been Tired of it all for a while... All I Wanted was Friendship, thats all I asked for, to be treated like a Human and a Friend like was offered in the beginning.

Game over, bitch and attack all you want... That was all the response I needed to give.



On To the Important Part of this:

Apparently I need to be Blunt when trying to explain my thought patterns to even my Family... So... I think Im just going to tell everyone at this point, gotta happen sometime right? I came to a HUGE realization over new years and in the past month and a half (just saw the date.) I like Women, not quite a recent realization mind you, Ive always been "Bi" but the important part is I really Dont like guys, dont like their attitudes, dont like their mannerisms, dont like them in general... sure decent friends on occasion but overall just fucking annoying and umm yea, no. Sure, there have been a couple decent guys I have known but I wound up caring differently for them then they wanted. And before we go there, I like real women who are proud of it and who they are.

Yes, complicated to understand for anyone whos known me but then not really for those who Truly Know me which isnt actually that many despite what some may think.


I have been trying to piece myself together for a long time and Im finally making progress. I am tired of being the one who lets fear of reaction stop me from being me. So, I really dont give a Fuck what anyone thinks... Interpretations cannot be helped, assumptions cannot be helped... Whatever

OMG yes its Public *gasp*

I liked that title for it better then the Friending Frenzy so I swiped it... :P

My Friends List just jumped because of Friending Day on SinQ (one of my recently added comms not on my F-List due to too many posts a day)... it were fun and I need to make new friends so yay

On other news... my hours next week will suck. I close the bakery one night and open it the next morning... tomorrow is my one day off, I worked the last 4 and will work the next 6 after it... all 8 hour shifts on both sides... my legs hate me but its worth it... I get paid so very well.

In another Feeding Frenzy my cats are doing that growly refill the dish thing since its gotten low (not empty) and they dont like to have to reach.

I downloaded more stuff for Poser because Im an addict

Gelato = expensive ice cream

This means... spending money on one of my obsessions is therapy... I am feeling all squeeky and good tonight. Worked my butt off again, another shift that lasted 3 hours longer then scheduled... thats two in a row and I wont be surprized if tomorrow is #3. Sadly I wouldnt doubt it.

So yea anyway, I got paid so I spent some of it after budgeting how much I will need before my next paycheck which is a week from tomorrow and will be at least twice what I got this last check...

I bought a few things, got great deals, at Daz3d and PoserPros... A played with my new toys a bit too but I cant stay up late tonight to really make anything cool so I just put it away for now... And not one Hello Kitty related item in the bunch *Gasp*

Over all, Im in a good mood.

todays mood theme: Jubilant... it sounds happy and almost bouncy so it works... YaY